This may sound weird, but liking someone is not the same as loving them and vice versa. In my experience, liking someone is the will to have conversations with them, hang out, and do random stuff, idk. However, loving someone is more about caring, supporting, and other stuff.

If I love someone, I do not necessarily like them because it takes time to love someone. I can't say I love someone I have known for a week. I can like a person the first time I meet them, though. Also, you can love people for what they've done for you and be forever grateful to them. That doesn't make you want to spend a week with them, though.

That said, there are lots of people I like, and there are some people I love. And I was lucky enough to have people who I like and love. And I'm grateful to lots of people.

Peace and
Lovelovelove <3

As strange as it may sound, I do believe it. Although I don't yet know precisely how or why, I am certain that it is something that is deeply important to me. I'll either do it or die trying, I guess.

Peace :)

I finally met a good friend of mine ten days ago. He is an ex-coworker of mine. We were working together around two years ago. We never really worked together because we were always on different projects. Still, we went to the same office and had many interesting conversations on the office balcony. He is one of the reasons I went to work for that company in the first place. When I search for employment opportunities in a company, I research their employees and their activities outside work. If I encounter individuals with whom I share common interests or could potentially form friendships, I initiate discussions regarding progressing through the hiring process. While this may seem unnecessary for some, the team is essential to me since I believe it's the core of a good product and happy work time. 

He was dealing with some personal stuff some time ago, and I wanted to meet him to catch up, see if he's doing alright, and chat about stuff because he's one of my favorite conversation partners. 

So that day, I walked toward the center of Yerevan and remembered that he had an office on the way. I texted him to see if he was there, as he sometimes hangs out on Saturdays. He replied that he wasn't but suggested we met when he was available. We caught up a few hours later.

We went to a park near Cascade and spent some time there, talking about stuff. After that, we went to get some food. He nor I had any preferences, so we went to a fast food place nearby. After shortening our lives for a couple of seconds (or minutes, who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) by injecting junk food into our organisms, we went to a store to get something to drink. When we were at the cashier's desk, I noticed that they were selling a new collection of Clipper lighters!

I was thrilled to see that because I really love how Clipper designs their lighter collections. I bought five differently-styled lighters, and my friend asked me what I would do with that amount of lighters. I gift them to people I like :).

I was quite drunk the first time I gifted a lighter to someone. He found it funny and gave me his purple lighter back. This thingy progressed into my personality. Nowadays, if I happen to carry a collectible Clipper lighter when being around someone I like, I gift it to them. These aren't one-time-only gifts, though. A very good friend of mine lives in another city, and it became a tradition to give her my lighter whenever we meet :). I don't really remember how this became a regular thing; perhaps, because we don't meet frequently, I want to gift her the lighter whenever I get the chance.

This is a form of expressing love and telling people I'm glad they exist. It's weird for some. It's surprising for others. It's important for me. I guess this is a pretty sentimental behavior, but it's one of the sentimental things I don't mind doing.

Peace <3

I've been thinking about leaving Armenia a lot lately. Throughout the past few days, I had the feeling of not belonging. I've been looking at people's faces and feeling weird. I never wanted to interact with them, not even say hi. Yesterday was strange; I felt alone and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. That question remains unanswered, though. There is no single thing I can fully commit to. Nothing makes me thoroughly excited, and nothing makes me forget about everything else and focus on it. I understand that this is pretty natural. However, that's not what I expect from myself. I need to build things. I can't just enjoy life and chill forever; that's not what I believe. 

I was in Stepanakert a couple of years ago. We went to a store with a friend to get some goods. He asked me what I'd do if I were financially free. I said I'd still be doing the same thing (working on git-blame.nvim back then). He wanted to go to Hawaii, and Bali and party, enjoy life, or stuff like that. I wasn't interested in a lifestyle like that. I had a party period in my life too. It lasted about 3-5 months. I was socializing more than I wanted and drinking more than I wanted. I was feeling okay back then, though. Nowadays, I look back and think that I wasn't myself. 

I want to build software. That's what I love and enjoy the most. I want to develop software I think is important. I want to do it in a way that no one else does. I want to build stuff people will fall in love with. Most software doesn't have a soul nowadays, and I wouldn't say I like that...

Take care <3

I went to a gig today. My friends were playing. Some people were surprised to see me there because, parallel to this gig, a party was themed around a person I had loved for a long time. I realized I didn't care about him a couple of days ago. That was pretty strange, but that's life; you get unexcited about people. I bought a CD; its design is lovely:

I dislike aggression—any form of it. Several people were slamming very aggressively, which was awkward. All the slams I ever liked are the ones that spread love, not aggression.

I also finished rewatching Silicon Valley for the 5ith or 6th time. I love the series. It inspires me to do something good every time. I went to my brother's. He was asleep, but I woke him up because we had planned to meet.

We had a good time. We watched "Funky Monks" (the documentary about RHCP album "Blood Sugar Sex Magik", a few episodes of South Park, and listened to some great music.

I had thought about not belonging to Armenia for the whole day. I saw lots of faces that were very foreign to me. That was a strange feeling. However, when hanging out with my brother, I started considering getting a mortgage to buy a house and trying to close it relatively early. While a month ago, I was planning to move to the Netherlands. I am unsure what global/long-term stuff I want to do with my life. However, I know what I want to be focused on. And I'm doing well. And that's the main thing, I guess.

There are some people in my life who I value a lot. I think about these people at least once in a while. I don't communicate much with most of these people, I am unsure of the reasons now, but overall I'm fine with that. I feel good because they exist. There is a chance that you're one of these people I am talking about. Thanks for existing <3

I love technology. I don't talk about it often, but I love technology. I am delighted to be born in the internet era. I am grateful to everyone who made the web possible—special kudos to Aaron Swartz for fighting for freedom.

I am noticing lots of characteristics come back to me. I was thinking about working hard and smart. I wonder if I can drop the comfort I have created, at least for some time.

Start doing pushups?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(P. S. sorry for the perhaps unengaging writing style; a stream of consciousness. And I like Blackfield, the band; I think it's underrated)

Peace <3

There was a time in my life when I was into stoicism very much. Even though I wasn't being stoic most of the time, the ideas of stoicism inspired me and made me think a lot. I was so into stoicism that I even got an "Amor Fati" tattoo:

I lived with a friend of mine for a couple of months, and we discussed philosophy a lot. We enjoyed thinking about stuff together. One of the ideas we both agreed on is that assumptions are destructive. There are a couple of reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are mostly incorrect. Whenever you make an assumption, you're very likely to fail. I think that expectations are a form of assumption. You assume that something you expect will happen, and then it doesn't. And you're frustrated, and it makes you sad. When thinking about what makes people unhappy, I realized that most of the time, it's unexpected stuff. Losing an item that you value a lot is surprising. Losing a connection with someone who means a lot to you is also often unpredictable. Finding out you have cancer is fucking shocking. The list goes on. 

Sometimes, these unexpected things aren't something terrible. Sometimes, you want something and don't get it. Or you plan something, and it doesn't happen. Very often, it's caused by things you don't control. That's what makes them so unexpected. So what can we do with that? Not that much, actually. Stoicism offers a way of overcoming such unexpected issues. According to it, you just deal with it and try to learn something when possible. However, often it can be pretty hard emotionally. It's hard to be okay with betrayals or the death of people you have loved for some time. It's okay to feel bad and cry, but what you do after that matters a lot. Do you make your conclusions and move on, or do you just continue being upset and sad about something? The choice is yours. I'm trying to move on as soon as possible because, otherwise, life will feel like hell. It's not always easy, but it's always the right thing to do, in my opinion. And something good for your mental health and life in general. 

Obviously, I didn't stop making assumptions or expecting stuff I wanted to happen. I don't think I'll ever be able to. However, I can rely on assumptions less, avoid being upset about failed expectations, and chill.

Thanks for reading, and
Peace <3

That's what I sometimes think when smoking on the balcony at night, seeing how the wind softly makes trees shake, making strange sounds while going through holes (what is a hole?), making me think it's an airplane while I'm not noticing any airplanes in the sky. Will I continue standing still and injecting more nicotine into my body, thinking about how it will increase my chance of getting lung cancer and dying without making all the stuff I wanted possible? Maybe. Or will I? I don't know. It's one of these questions where your actions may differ significantly from what you think you would do. So does it even make sense to think about it? Oh no, just like anything else. Is this next-level self-awareness or a warning from my conscious mind that my nicotine addiction is terrible as fuck for me? Perhaps.

I once had a dream where planets were falling apart, colliding with Earth, making beautiful visual explosions. And I was still alive, still looking around, noticing how Moon softly fell into pieces, how the light was disappearing, and the world was turning dark. But I'm still alive. Why? Because I was in a dream, I guess. But life is not a dream. Or is it? Well, that's probably not something we will ever find out. At least not in our lifetime. But does it matter? Not really. I'm still alive, for whatever reason. I still enjoy life, I still find nature beautiful, I still find humanity and the progress it made terrific, and I still feel, experience, make, and love stuff. So yeah, I'm glad that I'm alive. And I'm so happy I'm writing this piece of text you're reading right now that probably doesn't make sense, but for whatever reason, you made it this far. And I'm happy to have you in my life, even if I don't know you, even if you hate me. Even if you're a robot, scraping this text for whatever reasons. I'm happy. 

Happiness is strange. It's not something I experienced that much. Finding out I was happy at certain times was always, in retrospect, rarely immediately. And it was probably caused by my hating what I was doing at that time with my life. Overall, I'm happy I experienced what I did. I'm delighted I was born where I was. I'm glad I had the parents that I had. I'm glad for the people who surrounded me for doing that. And now I'm here, enjoying the sound of my keyboard while typing this post before I go out and fill my body with some more nicotine. Please don't start consuming nicotine; it sucks.

And as always,
Peace <3

Some people discussing the idea of relationships, attraction, and love with me should've noticed that I was mostly negative about relationships. While I'm not saying that everyone should break up right now and there aren't couples that fit together very well, most relationships that the people surrounding me and I had were just bad and weren't going to last. I'm an asexual, so if you take away sex, then the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship becomes even stranger. There are several problems with "classical" relationships. First of all, the over-obsession. When people fall in love, they usually think of their love subject as someone very special and meant for them. They even sometimes think that the person they like is perfect. All these thoughts that will probably change in the future come at the cost of disappointment in people (and maybe in life 😉). After some time, you realize that you don't even have much to discuss because you're different and should've never been together in the first place. Or you get friendzoned and don't understand anything, even if it may be good for you. FYI, Vsauce has an awesome video on the "friend zone". I dislike the obligation to communicate regularly with people in relationships. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to anyone while being perfectly fine, seeking some alone time. It's worth noting that this obligation is present in non-romantic relationships too. However, it's easier to get back to a friendship after not seeing and talking to each other for a couple of months than a romantic relationship.

So why bother? One might ask. Well, I didn't have the answer to that question. I literally couldn't understand why I would ever want to be in a relationship with someone. Seeking relationships for the sake of it is pretty unhealthy, in my opinion. As far as my experience goes, this behavior often comes with insecurities and feelings of loneliness (not including people who are "alone" but pretty happy). So, if you see someone chasing a relationship, try to understand why they do that. The answers may seem obvious, yet eye-opening :). After this internal conflict of not seeing the benefits, I started getting closer to aromanticism. I was even considering myself an aromatic person for some time. I never really stopped finding some people attractive, but I had no desire to build relationships with anyone and just wanted to be happy alone (at least for that time). I still wanted to have kids and a family (that will hopefully eventually happen), so I was pretty sure that my views on this whole thing would change someday. And that happened today. It's not like I think everyone should be in a romantic relationship now. No. People with personal issues need to fix their stuff before letting someone be a significant part of their life (remember Unintended by Muse?). So what's the deal? 

I was enjoying my evening while my mind was wandering. I realized why relationships could be a good thing. The answer is intimacy. It's something we all need, but not everyone has it. Intimacy is a good thing. I didn't give my thoughts enough time to develop to understand why I think it's important, but I feel it is. Okay, but can't you reach the intimacy you want with your friends? Perhaps you can. Maybe not to the level you can with romantic relationships, but still doable. I think it just feels different. Can you form romantic relationships that will last without changing to a level where you hate yourself and realize you just spent several years of your life to please someone you don't care about anymore? Perhaps. But it's hard. It requires people with certain qualities. Will I get the intimacy I'm talking about someday? Maybe. I don't know. I've been very happy the past couple of months, and I want it to continue this way and eventually become the norm. No more mindfucking.

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It was sad to find out that Josh was replaced by John (who replaced John earlier). Even though I'm a big John Frusciante fan, and he's still my favorite musician, I wish he and Josh to start hanging out again because one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever listened to is them jamming together:

It sucked that two of my favorite musicians who were friends and were making music together no longer even talked to each other. However, this meant that Josh needed to work on something new. In 2019, he released an album called "To Be One With You" from his new solo project "Pluralone". It was pretty good but not something I kept returning to many times. After that, he released an album called "I Don't Feel Well" and... It's just perfect. I didn't manage to dive into it before, but a couple of days ago, I decided that it was time for me to listen to some of Josh's music finally. The album was great. I sent a message to about 10 people from my contacts containing a single YouTube link to "The Night Won't Scare Me":

It's perhaps my favorite song from the album. However, I love the whole album, and every single song has my like on Spotify:

When listening to this album, I felt almost the same way I did when listening to American Football's "American Football" for the first time. And I love that album! They aren't my favorite midwest-emo band, but that's for another blog post. 

Anyway, one of the people I sent the song to was my friend Yevgeny, a Dot Hacker fan. Josh sings and plays guitar and keyboards there. I didn't dig that deep into "Dot Hacker", but I already listened to one of their albums, "Inhibition", which is an awesome album! Besides the genius music, Josh seems like a very good guy if you listen to some podcasts/interviews with him. 

In conclusion, I love Josh and think he's a genius. His music is very peaceful. The Getaway is an amazing album. Pluralone is great. I'll listen to more of his stuff in the future and maybe write another blog post about him. 

Some links:

• Dark Necessities – The first song by RHCP I listened to
• I Don't Feel Well by Pluralone on Spotify
• Inhibition by Dot Hacker on Spotify
• Josh Klinghoffer on How he got fired from the Chili Peppers, his relationship with John & the band
• My friend's cover of Eye Opener by Dot Hacker

🛸 > whoami

I'm Arshak, mostly known on the internet as fperson. I am a 19 y.o. software developer with a passion for technology and music. I also write lyrics and sing in a punk band. I was born in Stepanakert, Artsakh, where I developed my love for technology, tried to start a startup, created my first open-source plugin, wrote a strange piece of music, and enjoyed life! I'm now living in Yerevan, Armenia (Ping me at fperson[at]protonmail[dot]com if you want to meet up!). I mostly do Flutter development these days, but I did lots of other stuff in the past. If you want to check out the open-source part of what I do, visit my GitHub. Several months ago, I started writing many lyrics and shortly realized that I wanted to listen to these songs, after which I immediately texted my brother. We formed a band called "Lazercatz". We can't identify ourselves by genres, but people say we have punk & grunge spirit (while we are also highly influenced by John Frusciante and RHCP). Only one single is released at the moment of writing since we're working on an album that's not fully finished yet (spoiler: it's called "The Hole")!

🌟 Why I Started This Blog

Personal blogs have always appealed to me since they mean you have space to write whatever you want, and no big corporations will control you. I have many friends and people I have some connection with who have been blogging for ages. However, I never managed to start a blog because it requires time and energy that I didn't have all this time. However, now I'm pretty happy with my life, so here we are!

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