Alternative title: Prioritizing alone time

I have always struggled with maintaining friendships for extended periods of time. While I don't completely understand the reasons for this behavior, I believe it's primarily due to how I have always approached relationships. I firmly believe in not needing someone else for my happiness. Looking back, most of the best things that began in my life occurred during periods when I was almost lonely, but in a positive way. As an introvert, I truly cherish and appreciate certain people, and after years of failing to sustain relationships, I think I have finally figured out the right approach for me. My solution lies in being as honest as possible with myself and acknowledging that this is how I function and exactly how I want to live. Moreover, I have a strong need for this lifestyle to foster creativity, which is an essential part of my fulfillment in life.

I have realized that it's okay to prioritize my personal needs and preferences, and I even believe it's the best approach for me. Once I stopped feeling guilty about prioritizing my alone time, everything seemed to fall into place. Obviously, not every aspect of my life has been resolved, but I have become quite determined in my philosophy regarding interpersonal relationships.

Now, I appreciate people more than ever. I love and respect many individuals for a variety of reasons, and I feel that I no longer have friends I don't genuinely want in my life. Each person I interact with is someone I truly value, and that feels great.

I have friends with whom I occasionally talk and try to help when necessary. Nowadays, I avoid forcing people to do stuff, even though it can sometimes feel odd when I have the urge to get what I want, even if it means doing the wrong thing. Regardless, I am a massive fan of these people and always wish the best for them. Even if we don't interact often, I am truly grateful they exist.

Connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, and try to appreciate them as well. Life is a heck of a weird thingy, and it's super cool to be a part of it.

Last but not least, kudos to A. for inspiring me to organize my thoughts around this topic and write this post (and, of course, for existing) <3

P.S. I understand that the title may not perfectly align with the theme, but that's what I felt like naming it :)

Peace <3

Have you ever had that moment of self-awareness when you realize you've been lying to yourself? It's a feeling that hits you like a gut punch, a sudden realization that you're living a lie in the current moment.

Everyone should be honest with themselves, and yet, sometimes, it's too hard. While I believe I'm doing a pretty good job at being honest with myself, I still find myself struggling at times. Whenever this realization comes to me, I think it's not necessarily what I want to do in that particular case.

This is one of the issues with the whole "awareness" thingy. The more aware I become, the more I realize that there are things that utterly suck, and there's little I can do to change that. All of this sounds like a fear of going into places that are hard to exit once you're in. Even though I think of my life as happy and fulfilling, sometimes this weird thing strikes so much that I lose all of my motivation to do anything. Hopefully, I will learn to deal with it better as I experience this state of mind more.

After all, emotional growth for me is about recognizing how my mind works when some shit happens and finding out how to deal with it that works best for me. The problem is it hurts. And it's not really enjoyable in any way :).

Alright, time for some more positive vibes :). Something I like about how I deal with "ideology wars inside my mind" is that everything becomes normal again soon-ish (sleep over it, right?). And I'm already familiar with many destructive patterns that I have gone through during my life. There's lots of room for improvement, though; I'd love to understand what makes me most driven to build stuff and incorporate that more.

Writing blog posts helps, BTW. While I used to recommend journaling as a way to process difficult experiences, I prefer the idea of creating content that can potentially resonate with and help others going through similar struggles. So I blog about stuff that's probably hard to make sense of. I'm trying to do a better job at communicating my thoughts and feelings with each new blog post, but the truth is, I don't fully understand myself either :).

So, if you're struggling with your own stuff, consider starting a blog or a journal. It may not be easy, but it could be a step towards greater self-awareness and a more fulfilling life.

Thanks for reading, and
Take care <3

I've been thinking about leaving Armenia a lot lately. Throughout the past few days, I had the feeling of not belonging. I've been looking at people's faces and feeling weird. I never wanted to interact with them, not even say hi. Yesterday was strange; I felt alone and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. That question remains unanswered, though. There is no single thing I can fully commit to. Nothing makes me thoroughly excited, and nothing makes me forget about everything else and focus on it. I understand that this is pretty natural. However, that's not what I expect from myself. I need to build things. I can't just enjoy life and chill forever; that's not what I believe. 

I was in Stepanakert a couple of years ago. We went to a store with a friend to get some goods. He asked me what I'd do if I were financially free. I said I'd still be doing the same thing (working on git-blame.nvim back then). He wanted to go to Hawaii, and Bali and party, enjoy life, or stuff like that. I wasn't interested in a lifestyle like that. I had a party period in my life too. It lasted about 3-5 months. I was socializing more than I wanted and drinking more than I wanted. I was feeling okay back then, though. Nowadays, I look back and think that I wasn't myself. 

I want to build software. That's what I love and enjoy the most. I want to develop software I think is important. I want to do it in a way that no one else does. I want to build stuff people will fall in love with. Most software doesn't have a soul nowadays, and I wouldn't say I like that...

Take care <3

I went to a gig today. My friends were playing. Some people were surprised to see me there because, parallel to this gig, a party was themed around a person I had loved for a long time. I realized I didn't care about him a couple of days ago. That was pretty strange, but that's life; you get unexcited about people. I bought a CD; its design is lovely:

I dislike aggression—any form of it. Several people were slamming very aggressively, which was awkward. All the slams I ever liked are the ones that spread love, not aggression.

I also finished rewatching Silicon Valley for the 5ith or 6th time. I love the series. It inspires me to do something good every time. I went to my brother's. He was asleep, but I woke him up because we had planned to meet.

We had a good time. We watched "Funky Monks" (the documentary about RHCP album "Blood Sugar Sex Magik", a few episodes of South Park, and listened to some great music.

I had thought about not belonging to Armenia for the whole day. I saw lots of faces that were very foreign to me. That was a strange feeling. However, when hanging out with my brother, I started considering getting a mortgage to buy a house and trying to close it relatively early. While a month ago, I was planning to move to the Netherlands. I am unsure what global/long-term stuff I want to do with my life. However, I know what I want to be focused on. And I'm doing well. And that's the main thing, I guess.

There are some people in my life who I value a lot. I think about these people at least once in a while. I don't communicate much with most of these people, I am unsure of the reasons now, but overall I'm fine with that. I feel good because they exist. There is a chance that you're one of these people I am talking about. Thanks for existing <3

I love technology. I don't talk about it often, but I love technology. I am delighted to be born in the internet era. I am grateful to everyone who made the web possible—special kudos to Aaron Swartz for fighting for freedom.

I am noticing lots of characteristics come back to me. I was thinking about working hard and smart. I wonder if I can drop the comfort I have created, at least for some time.

Start doing pushups?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(P. S. sorry for the perhaps unengaging writing style; a stream of consciousness. And I like Blackfield, the band; I think it's underrated)

Peace <3

There was a time in my life when I was into stoicism very much. Even though I wasn't being stoic most of the time, the ideas of stoicism inspired me and made me think a lot. I was so into stoicism that I even got an "Amor Fati" tattoo:

I lived with a friend of mine for a couple of months, and we discussed philosophy a lot. We enjoyed thinking about stuff together. One of the ideas we both agreed on is that assumptions are destructive. There are a couple of reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are mostly incorrect. Whenever you make an assumption, you're very likely to fail. I think that expectations are a form of assumption. You assume that something you expect will happen, and then it doesn't. And you're frustrated, and it makes you sad. When thinking about what makes people unhappy, I realized that most of the time, it's unexpected stuff. Losing an item that you value a lot is surprising. Losing a connection with someone who means a lot to you is also often unpredictable. Finding out you have cancer is fucking shocking. The list goes on. 

Sometimes, these unexpected things aren't something terrible. Sometimes, you want something and don't get it. Or you plan something, and it doesn't happen. Very often, it's caused by things you don't control. That's what makes them so unexpected. So what can we do with that? Not that much, actually. Stoicism offers a way of overcoming such unexpected issues. According to it, you just deal with it and try to learn something when possible. However, often it can be pretty hard emotionally. It's hard to be okay with betrayals or the death of people you have loved for some time. It's okay to feel bad and cry, but what you do after that matters a lot. Do you make your conclusions and move on, or do you just continue being upset and sad about something? The choice is yours. I'm trying to move on as soon as possible because, otherwise, life will feel like hell. It's not always easy, but it's always the right thing to do, in my opinion. And something good for your mental health and life in general. 

Obviously, I didn't stop making assumptions or expecting stuff I wanted to happen. I don't think I'll ever be able to. However, I can rely on assumptions less, avoid being upset about failed expectations, and chill.

Thanks for reading, and
Peace <3

Some people discussing the idea of relationships, attraction, and love with me should've noticed that I was mostly negative about relationships. While I'm not saying that everyone should break up right now and there aren't couples that fit together very well, most relationships that the people surrounding me and I had were just bad and weren't going to last. I'm an asexual, so if you take away sex, then the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship becomes even stranger. There are several problems with "classical" relationships. First of all, the over-obsession. When people fall in love, they usually think of their love subject as someone very special and meant for them. They even sometimes think that the person they like is perfect. All these thoughts that will probably change in the future come at the cost of disappointment in people (and maybe in life 😉). After some time, you realize that you don't even have much to discuss because you're different and should've never been together in the first place. Or you get friendzoned and don't understand anything, even if it may be good for you. FYI, Vsauce has an awesome video on the "friend zone". I dislike the obligation to communicate regularly with people in relationships. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to anyone while being perfectly fine, seeking some alone time. It's worth noting that this obligation is present in non-romantic relationships too. However, it's easier to get back to a friendship after not seeing and talking to each other for a couple of months than a romantic relationship.

So why bother? One might ask. Well, I didn't have the answer to that question. I literally couldn't understand why I would ever want to be in a relationship with someone. Seeking relationships for the sake of it is pretty unhealthy, in my opinion. As far as my experience goes, this behavior often comes with insecurities and feelings of loneliness (not including people who are "alone" but pretty happy). So, if you see someone chasing a relationship, try to understand why they do that. The answers may seem obvious, yet eye-opening :). After this internal conflict of not seeing the benefits, I started getting closer to aromanticism. I was even considering myself an aromatic person for some time. I never really stopped finding some people attractive, but I had no desire to build relationships with anyone and just wanted to be happy alone (at least for that time). I still wanted to have kids and a family (that will hopefully eventually happen), so I was pretty sure that my views on this whole thing would change someday. And that happened today. It's not like I think everyone should be in a romantic relationship now. No. People with personal issues need to fix their stuff before letting someone be a significant part of their life (remember Unintended by Muse?). So what's the deal? 

I was enjoying my evening while my mind was wandering. I realized why relationships could be a good thing. The answer is intimacy. It's something we all need, but not everyone has it. Intimacy is a good thing. I didn't give my thoughts enough time to develop to understand why I think it's important, but I feel it is. Okay, but can't you reach the intimacy you want with your friends? Perhaps you can. Maybe not to the level you can with romantic relationships, but still doable. I think it just feels different. Can you form romantic relationships that will last without changing to a level where you hate yourself and realize you just spent several years of your life to please someone you don't care about anymore? Perhaps. But it's hard. It requires people with certain qualities. Will I get the intimacy I'm talking about someday? Maybe. I don't know. I've been very happy the past couple of months, and I want it to continue this way and eventually become the norm. No more mindfucking.

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🛸 > whoami

I'm Arshak, mostly known on the internet as fperson. I am a 19 y.o. software developer with a passion for technology and music. I also write lyrics and sing in a punk band. I was born in Stepanakert, Artsakh, where I developed my love for technology, tried to start a startup, created my first open-source plugin, wrote a strange piece of music, and enjoyed life! I'm now living in Yerevan, Armenia (Ping me at fperson[at]protonmail[dot]com if you want to meet up!). I mostly do Flutter development these days, but I did lots of other stuff in the past. If you want to check out the open-source part of what I do, visit my GitHub. Several months ago, I started writing many lyrics and shortly realized that I wanted to listen to these songs, after which I immediately texted my brother. We formed a band called "Lazercatz". We can't identify ourselves by genres, but people say we have punk & grunge spirit (while we are also highly influenced by John Frusciante and RHCP). Only one single is released at the moment of writing since we're working on an album that's not fully finished yet (spoiler: it's called "The Hole")!

🌟 Why I Started This Blog

Personal blogs have always appealed to me since they mean you have space to write whatever you want, and no big corporations will control you. I have many friends and people I have some connection with who have been blogging for ages. However, I never managed to start a blog because it requires time and energy that I didn't have all this time. However, now I'm pretty happy with my life, so here we are!

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