Trying to deal with wanting to do too many things

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. My fluctuating interests, often intense, are one of the many reasons for my absence. I was into so many things at different points in life that sometimes I think I don't even know what I'm into anymore :). The total time of being interested in stuff varies. Photography, for instance, once held my attention the longest in both its digital (earlier in life) and film (most interested) forms. However, I've since moved away from this hobby, finding that my passion for it has faded. I just don't care about taking or looking at photos anymore. It's just a thing that some people enjoy, but I'm not one of them anymore.

Apart from that, I started working at Breeze a couple of months ago, which has been my only creative focus since then. The company & the product are great so far; hopefully, I'll write something about it at some point. I plan to return to my other creative activities eventually, but I need to maximize my outputs for Breeze first to work on my stuff guilt-free.

The full unlocking of maximizing outputs will happen pretty soon since I'm already progressing in figuring out the best way to work with this team, product & code base. Moving to the Netherlands (I'm moving in less than a month; I'll write about this, too) will also positively impact my goal. At this point, I miss offices, and I think they are great, but there are no Armenian companies/products I really want to work for. 

Apart from work, my subconscious thoughts mainly go into my apps, live-coding music, and reflection (on myself & life). However, I was having an evening walk with A yesterday, and we talked about a lot of stuff; we had a great time. A topic that came up was my plan & desire to write a fiction book about (the idea of) software. This came back to me today. I realized I wanted to start working on it once I managed to have spare time. So, cool, that's one more thing to really want to be doing while not really being able to.
It's a familiar dance, isn't it? :)

At this point, I should probably spend a weekend building my "what project to work on" prioritization tool that I've been thinking about. It could, perhaps, help.

My passion & fascination with software, however, beyond just the engineering aspect, has been a consistent thread in my life, never dimming for more than a few months at a stretch, so I figured I might as well dedicate my life to it. I'm pretty determined in that sense, and it helps me enjoy life & know where I want to go in the near future.


Anyways, thanks for reading this, and
Peace <3

The Struggle to Be Honest with Yourself

Have you ever had that moment of self-awareness when you realize you've been lying to yourself? It's a feeling that hits you like a gut punch, a sudden realization that you're living a lie in the current moment.

Everyone should be honest with themselves, and yet, sometimes, it's too hard. While I believe I'm doing a pretty good job at being honest with myself, I still find myself struggling at times. Whenever this realization comes to me, I think it's not necessarily what I want to do in that particular case.

This is one of the issues with the whole "awareness" thingy. The more aware I become, the more I realize that there are things that utterly suck, and there's little I can do to change that. All of this sounds like a fear of going into places that are hard to exit once you're in. Even though I think of my life as happy and fulfilling, sometimes this weird thing strikes so much that I lose all of my motivation to do anything. Hopefully, I will learn to deal with it better as I experience this state of mind more.

After all, emotional growth for me is about recognizing how my mind works when some shit happens and finding out how to deal with it that works best for me. The problem is it hurts. And it's not really enjoyable in any way :).

Alright, time for some more positive vibes :). Something I like about how I deal with "ideology wars inside my mind" is that everything becomes normal again soon-ish (sleep over it, right?). And I'm already familiar with many destructive patterns that I have gone through during my life. There's lots of room for improvement, though; I'd love to understand what makes me most driven to build stuff and incorporate that more.

Writing blog posts helps, BTW. While I used to recommend journaling as a way to process difficult experiences, I prefer the idea of creating content that can potentially resonate with and help others going through similar struggles. So I blog about stuff that's probably hard to make sense of. I'm trying to do a better job at communicating my thoughts and feelings with each new blog post, but the truth is, I don't fully understand myself either :).

So, if you're struggling with your own stuff, consider starting a blog or a journal. It may not be easy, but it could be a step towards greater self-awareness and a more fulfilling life.

Thanks for reading, and
Take care <3