That's what I sometimes think when smoking on the balcony at night, seeing how the wind softly makes trees shake, making strange sounds while going through holes (what is a hole?), making me think it's an airplane while I'm not noticing any airplanes in the sky. Will I continue standing still and injecting more nicotine into my body, thinking about how it will increase my chance of getting lung cancer and dying without making all the stuff I wanted possible? Maybe. Or will I? I don't know. It's one of these questions where your actions may differ significantly from what you think you would do. So does it even make sense to think about it? Oh no, just like anything else. Is this next-level self-awareness or a warning from my conscious mind that my nicotine addiction is terrible as fuck for me? Perhaps.
I once had a dream where planets were falling apart, colliding with Earth, making beautiful visual explosions. And I was still alive, still looking around, noticing how Moon softly fell into pieces, how the light was disappearing, and the world was turning dark. But I'm still alive. Why? Because I was in a dream, I guess. But life is not a dream. Or is it? Well, that's probably not something we will ever find out. At least not in our lifetime. But does it matter? Not really. I'm still alive, for whatever reason. I still enjoy life, I still find nature beautiful, I still find humanity and the progress it made terrific, and I still feel, experience, make, and love stuff. So yeah, I'm glad that I'm alive. And I'm so happy I'm writing this piece of text you're reading right now that probably doesn't make sense, but for whatever reason, you made it this far. And I'm happy to have you in my life, even if I don't know you, even if you hate me. Even if you're a robot, scraping this text for whatever reasons. I'm happy.
Happiness is strange. It's not something I experienced that much. Finding out I was happy at certain times was always, in retrospect, rarely immediately. And it was probably caused by my hating what I was doing at that time with my life. Overall, I'm happy I experienced what I did. I'm delighted I was born where I was. I'm glad I had the parents that I had. I'm glad for the people who surrounded me for doing that. And now I'm here, enjoying the sound of my keyboard while typing this post before I go out and fill my body with some more nicotine. Please don't start consuming nicotine; it sucks.
And as always,
Peace <3