fpersonal blog

Alternative title: Prioritizing alone time

I have always struggled with maintaining friendships for extended periods of time. While I don't completely understand the reasons for this behavior, I believe it's primarily due to how I have always approached relationships. I firmly believe in not needing someone else for my happiness. Looking back, most of the best things that began in my life occurred during periods when I was almost lonely, but in a positive way. As an introvert, I truly cherish and appreciate certain people, and after years of failing to sustain relationships, I think I have finally figured out the right approach for me. My solution lies in being as honest as possible with myself and acknowledging that this is how I function and exactly how I want to live. Moreover, I have a strong need for this lifestyle to foster creativity, which is an essential part of my fulfillment in life.

I have realized that it's okay to prioritize my personal needs and preferences, and I even believe it's the best approach for me. Once I stopped feeling guilty about prioritizing my alone time, everything seemed to fall into place. Obviously, not every aspect of my life has been resolved, but I have become quite determined in my philosophy regarding interpersonal relationships.

Now, I appreciate people more than ever. I love and respect many individuals for a variety of reasons, and I feel that I no longer have friends I don't genuinely want in my life. Each person I interact with is someone I truly value, and that feels great.

I have friends with whom I occasionally talk and try to help when necessary. Nowadays, I avoid forcing people to do stuff, even though it can sometimes feel odd when I have the urge to get what I want, even if it means doing the wrong thing. Regardless, I am a massive fan of these people and always wish the best for them. Even if we don't interact often, I am truly grateful they exist.

Connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, and try to appreciate them as well. Life is a heck of a weird thingy, and it's super cool to be a part of it.

Last but not least, kudos to A. for inspiring me to organize my thoughts around this topic and write this post (and, of course, for existing) <3

P.S. I understand that the title may not perfectly align with the theme, but that's what I felt like naming it :)

Peace <3

Yesterday, a friend asked if I wanted to attend today’s drink and draw event. I kind of suck at drawing (I still do it, though), so I treat it as a social synchronization event because the people there are usually pleasant. I deleted the Instagram app, so kudos to H. for pinging me <3. 

A good friend of mine happened to be in the building as well, browsing the exhibition materials. There were lots of fantastic art-related books and comics, and I thoroughly enjoyed a few of them. It was great to see her.

I also encountered someone I know from my past "depressed party life." It was nice to see her too, but she told me they miss me in the social circle from which we know each other. It was a bit weird because I never really miss people. Whenever someone tells me they miss me, it becomes pretty awkward since I can't reciprocate the sentiment. I rarely miss people, and I don't particularly appreciate lying. I'm unsure why I feel this way, but I believe it's for the best. In my experience, whenever I start missing someone for more than a few moments, something is likely off in my life.

Upon reflection, the only person I genuinely miss from time to time is my grandfather, who passed away just before I returned from the Wikipedia camp. He was an incredible grandfather and an extraordinary individual; I deeply respect and love him. He was one of the best people I've ever known!

I’m now in a tea party my friend L organized for (finally!) opening his teahouse. Some people I didn’t expect to see are here too, and I’m glad they are. Before arriving, R and I shared a lovely lunch, discussing projects we wanted to work on together, crypto, and other life matters.

I genuinely appreciate many people I know, even if we rarely meet or talk. I am grateful for getting to know them.

I finally had some cherry pu-erh from L here! The best drink I have ever had; I’ve been drinking 4-5 cups of it a day during summer. 

In any case, drink some tea, cherish the people around you, enjoy life while it lasts, and stay curious.

Peace <3

Photos:

I've been thinking about leaving Armenia a lot lately. Throughout the past few days, I had the feeling of not belonging. I've been looking at people's faces and feeling weird. I never wanted to interact with them, not even say hi. Yesterday was strange; I felt alone and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. That question remains unanswered, though. There is no single thing I can fully commit to. Nothing makes me thoroughly excited, and nothing makes me forget about everything else and focus on it. I understand that this is pretty natural. However, that's not what I expect from myself. I need to build things. I can't just enjoy life and chill forever; that's not what I believe. 

I was in Stepanakert a couple of years ago. We went to a store with a friend to get some goods. He asked me what I'd do if I were financially free. I said I'd still be doing the same thing (working on git-blame.nvim back then). He wanted to go to Hawaii, and Bali and party, enjoy life, or stuff like that. I wasn't interested in a lifestyle like that. I had a party period in my life too. It lasted about 3-5 months. I was socializing more than I wanted and drinking more than I wanted. I was feeling okay back then, though. Nowadays, I look back and think that I wasn't myself. 

I want to build software. That's what I love and enjoy the most. I want to develop software I think is important. I want to do it in a way that no one else does. I want to build stuff people will fall in love with. Most software doesn't have a soul nowadays, and I wouldn't say I like that...

Take care <3