fpersonal blog

I started waking up really early. I was enjoying my morning coffee, while injecting nicotine and listening to birds' sounds, when suddenly the thought came to me: "contemporary programming... [something I don't remember anymore]". And that was quite interesting because most of what we do isn't really modern nowadays.

This is what N told us about operating systems in the "Computer Organization" class. The operating systems we usually refer to as "modern", in fact, aren't modern; they are contemporary. They aren't innovative; they're just new.

I know this because, during the summer, I asked N if I could attend his lectures at a university without enrolling/becoming a student. After some chats with university employees, I found the way to the people who helped me settle this question and granted me the right to attend the classes as an auditor.

I have attended four lectures so far and am enjoying my time. I also took his "Compiler Design" class, and it's really fun! I think I'm enjoying it even more than computer organization. I suggested N we build a BrainFuck compiler sometime during the class and dedicate some time to esoteric programming languages.

I keep meeting folks I know at college, which is pleasantly weird. I also like the vibes sometimes; I'm not entirely sure what's happening. I even considered enrolling at one point but quickly dropped the idea.

I was meditating for a few minutes. I thought about some stuff. I thought about the idea of potential. I thought about my "Notespaces" project and what would happen if it failed. I thought about my dreams, my motivation, my determination.

I dropped a tear. Then another one. I cried weirdly and couldn't make anything of it until I reached for a napkin with my hand to clean the tears. I was amazed! My hand is taking care of me; my hand is helping me; it's got good intentions! It wasn't sad; it wasn't anything; it just did what was right for me at the moment.

I'm still amazed at this! So weird, so beautiful!

Every year, or perhaps even more frequently, I find myself composing a thank-you message to a dear friend N. Sometimes, the gratitude is tied to a specific event or shared experience; other times, it's a simple, encompassing "thanks for existing". Initially, these messages felt a little odd to write, a departure from my usual mode of expression. But as the years passed, I've grown comfortable with these spontaneous outpourings of gratitude. I've come to understand that expressing appreciation is important—not just for me, but for those who have touched my life in significant ways. They deserve to know and hear they're valued.

This post is dedicated to my friend N., who has profoundly influenced who I am today. I'm not suggesting that my life would be unbearable without our friendship—life, after all, is a series of ifs and maybes. Yet, I am content with who I am, and I attribute a large part of that to the experiences and people that have shaped me, N. being a pivotal one. This isn't about predestination or fate; it's about the choices we make and the relationships we cultivate.

Our first in-person encounter happened at BarCamp in 2019. It was an important event for me back then; I came to Yerevan for about 3-4 days to attend the conference and finally meet my internet friends for the first time. My friend K. introduced us to each other; it was a weird handshake; I hated handshakes back then; he said he used to feel the same but had grown to appreciate this formal greeting. Although I now prefer hugs, I've come to accept handshakes as a part of social interaction.

I was sitting with K. in a park next to the university where the conference was taking place in. She showed me a message from N. saying something like, "I'm looking at fperson's GitHub at the moment; this boy is [something nice]". It was great to hear that. And his message meant a lot; I felt like it indicated that someone I respect as a person and as a professional thinks that I'm moving in the right direction with my life. I wasn't doing anything super-fancy back then, but I was passionate.

He was some kind of a role model for me back then. The "I wanna be like this guy" way. Things have changed since then; I don't look up to people anymore the same way I used to; I have become "my own thing". However, I still love, respect, and appreciate him; that hasn't changed, and I hope it never will.

I recall a particularly impactful conversation with N. one day. We were chatting about various topics when he shared something of a personal nature. I didn't respond because I felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. N. pointed out that my silence wasn't the best way to communicate, a critique that initially stung but ultimately proved to be a valuable lesson. It was a pivotal moment that significantly improved my communication skills. And I'm happy he was direct about this. Nowadays, I'm pro-directness. Always.

There's so much more I could say about N., but I'll reserve those stories for another day. What's important is that I'm deeply grateful for his presence in my life.

Peace <3

To my good friend V.

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Alternative title: Prioritizing alone time

I have always struggled with maintaining friendships for extended periods of time. While I don't completely understand the reasons for this behavior, I believe it's primarily due to how I have always approached relationships. I firmly believe in not needing someone else for my happiness. Looking back, most of the best things that began in my life occurred during periods when I was almost lonely, but in a positive way. As an introvert, I truly cherish and appreciate certain people, and after years of failing to sustain relationships, I think I have finally figured out the right approach for me. My solution lies in being as honest as possible with myself and acknowledging that this is how I function and exactly how I want to live. Moreover, I have a strong need for this lifestyle to foster creativity, which is an essential part of my fulfillment in life.

I have realized that it's okay to prioritize my personal needs and preferences, and I even believe it's the best approach for me. Once I stopped feeling guilty about prioritizing my alone time, everything seemed to fall into place. Obviously, not every aspect of my life has been resolved, but I have become quite determined in my philosophy regarding interpersonal relationships.

Now, I appreciate people more than ever. I love and respect many individuals for a variety of reasons, and I feel that I no longer have friends I don't genuinely want in my life. Each person I interact with is someone I truly value, and that feels great.

I have friends with whom I occasionally talk and try to help when necessary. Nowadays, I avoid forcing people to do stuff, even though it can sometimes feel odd when I have the urge to get what I want, even if it means doing the wrong thing. Regardless, I am a massive fan of these people and always wish the best for them. Even if we don't interact often, I am truly grateful they exist.

Connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, and try to appreciate them as well. Life is a heck of a weird thingy, and it's super cool to be a part of it.

Last but not least, kudos to A. for inspiring me to organize my thoughts around this topic and write this post (and, of course, for existing) <3

P.S. I understand that the title may not perfectly align with the theme, but that's what I felt like naming it :)

Peace <3

Have you ever had that moment of self-awareness when you realize you've been lying to yourself? It's a feeling that hits you like a gut punch, a sudden realization that you're living a lie in the current moment.

Everyone should be honest with themselves, and yet, sometimes, it's too hard. While I believe I'm doing a pretty good job at being honest with myself, I still find myself struggling at times. Whenever this realization comes to me, I think it's not necessarily what I want to do in that particular case.

This is one of the issues with the whole "awareness" thingy. The more aware I become, the more I realize that there are things that utterly suck, and there's little I can do to change that. All of this sounds like a fear of going into places that are hard to exit once you're in. Even though I think of my life as happy and fulfilling, sometimes this weird thing strikes so much that I lose all of my motivation to do anything. Hopefully, I will learn to deal with it better as I experience this state of mind more.

After all, emotional growth for me is about recognizing how my mind works when some shit happens and finding out how to deal with it that works best for me. The problem is it hurts. And it's not really enjoyable in any way :).

Alright, time for some more positive vibes :). Something I like about how I deal with "ideology wars inside my mind" is that everything becomes normal again soon-ish (sleep over it, right?). And I'm already familiar with many destructive patterns that I have gone through during my life. There's lots of room for improvement, though; I'd love to understand what makes me most driven to build stuff and incorporate that more.

Writing blog posts helps, BTW. While I used to recommend journaling as a way to process difficult experiences, I prefer the idea of creating content that can potentially resonate with and help others going through similar struggles. So I blog about stuff that's probably hard to make sense of. I'm trying to do a better job at communicating my thoughts and feelings with each new blog post, but the truth is, I don't fully understand myself either :).

So, if you're struggling with your own stuff, consider starting a blog or a journal. It may not be easy, but it could be a step towards greater self-awareness and a more fulfilling life.

Thanks for reading, and
Take care <3

Yesterday, a friend asked if I wanted to attend today’s drink and draw event. I kind of suck at drawing (I still do it, though), so I treat it as a social synchronization event because the people there are usually pleasant. I deleted the Instagram app, so kudos to H. for pinging me <3. 

A good friend of mine happened to be in the building as well, browsing the exhibition materials. There were lots of fantastic art-related books and comics, and I thoroughly enjoyed a few of them. It was great to see her.

I also encountered someone I know from my past "depressed party life." It was nice to see her too, but she told me they miss me in the social circle from which we know each other. It was a bit weird because I never really miss people. Whenever someone tells me they miss me, it becomes pretty awkward since I can't reciprocate the sentiment. I rarely miss people, and I don't particularly appreciate lying. I'm unsure why I feel this way, but I believe it's for the best. In my experience, whenever I start missing someone for more than a few moments, something is likely off in my life.

Upon reflection, the only person I genuinely miss from time to time is my grandfather, who passed away just before I returned from the Wikipedia camp. He was an incredible grandfather and an extraordinary individual; I deeply respect and love him. He was one of the best people I've ever known!

I’m now in a tea party my friend L organized for (finally!) opening his teahouse. Some people I didn’t expect to see are here too, and I’m glad they are. Before arriving, R and I shared a lovely lunch, discussing projects we wanted to work on together, crypto, and other life matters.

I genuinely appreciate many people I know, even if we rarely meet or talk. I am grateful for getting to know them.

I finally had some cherry pu-erh from L here! The best drink I have ever had; I’ve been drinking 4-5 cups of it a day during summer. 

In any case, drink some tea, cherish the people around you, enjoy life while it lasts, and stay curious.

Peace <3

Photos:

This may sound weird, but liking someone is not the same as loving them and vice versa. In my experience, liking someone is the will to have conversations with them, hang out, and do random stuff, idk. However, loving someone is more about caring, supporting, and other stuff.

If I love someone, I do not necessarily like them because it takes time to love someone. I can't say I love someone I have known for a week. I can like a person the first time I meet them, though. Also, you can love people for what they've done for you and be forever grateful to them. That doesn't make you want to spend a week with them, though.

That said, there are lots of people I like, and there are some people I love. And I was lucky enough to have people who I like and love. And I'm grateful to lots of people.

Peace and
Lovelovelove <3

As strange as it may sound, I do believe it. Although I don't yet know precisely how or why, I am certain that it is something that is deeply important to me. I'll either do it or die trying, I guess.

Peace :)

I finally met a good friend of mine ten days ago. He is an ex-coworker of mine. We were working together around two years ago. We never really worked together because we were always on different projects. Still, we went to the same office and had many interesting conversations on the office balcony. He is one of the reasons I went to work for that company in the first place. When I search for employment opportunities in a company, I research their employees and their activities outside work. If I encounter individuals with whom I share common interests or could potentially form friendships, I initiate discussions regarding progressing through the hiring process. While this may seem unnecessary for some, the team is essential to me since I believe it's the core of a good product and happy work time. 

He was dealing with some personal stuff some time ago, and I wanted to meet him to catch up, see if he's doing alright, and chat about stuff because he's one of my favorite conversation partners. 

So that day, I walked toward the center of Yerevan and remembered that he had an office on the way. I texted him to see if he was there, as he sometimes hangs out on Saturdays. He replied that he wasn't but suggested we met when he was available. We caught up a few hours later.

We went to a park near Cascade and spent some time there, talking about stuff. After that, we went to get some food. He nor I had any preferences, so we went to a fast food place nearby. After shortening our lives for a couple of seconds (or minutes, who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) by injecting junk food into our organisms, we went to a store to get something to drink. When we were at the cashier's desk, I noticed that they were selling a new collection of Clipper lighters!

I was thrilled to see that because I really love how Clipper designs their lighter collections. I bought five differently-styled lighters, and my friend asked me what I would do with that amount of lighters. I gift them to people I like :).

I was quite drunk the first time I gifted a lighter to someone. He found it funny and gave me his purple lighter back. This thingy progressed into my personality. Nowadays, if I happen to carry a collectible Clipper lighter when being around someone I like, I gift it to them. These aren't one-time-only gifts, though. A very good friend of mine lives in another city, and it became a tradition to give her my lighter whenever we meet :). I don't really remember how this became a regular thing; perhaps, because we don't meet frequently, I want to gift her the lighter whenever I get the chance.

This is a form of expressing love and telling people I'm glad they exist. It's weird for some. It's surprising for others. It's important for me. I guess this is a pretty sentimental behavior, but it's one of the sentimental things I don't mind doing.

Peace <3