fpersonal blog

Every year, or perhaps even more frequently, I find myself composing a thank-you message to a dear friend N. Sometimes, the gratitude is tied to a specific event or shared experience; other times, it's a simple, encompassing "thanks for existing". Initially, these messages felt a little odd to write, a departure from my usual mode of expression. But as the years passed, I've grown comfortable with these spontaneous outpourings of gratitude. I've come to understand that expressing appreciation is important—not just for me, but for those who have touched my life in significant ways. They deserve to know and hear they're valued.

This post is dedicated to my friend N., who has profoundly influenced who I am today. I'm not suggesting that my life would be unbearable without our friendship—life, after all, is a series of ifs and maybes. Yet, I am content with who I am, and I attribute a large part of that to the experiences and people that have shaped me, N. being a pivotal one. This isn't about predestination or fate; it's about the choices we make and the relationships we cultivate.

Our first in-person encounter happened at BarCamp in 2019. It was an important event for me back then; I came to Yerevan for about 3-4 days to attend the conference and finally meet my internet friends for the first time. My friend K. introduced us to each other; it was a weird handshake; I hated handshakes back then; he said he used to feel the same but had grown to appreciate this formal greeting. Although I now prefer hugs, I've come to accept handshakes as a part of social interaction.

I was sitting with K. in a park next to the university where the conference was taking place in. She showed me a message from N. saying something like, "I'm looking at fperson's GitHub at the moment; this boy is [something nice]". It was great to hear that. And his message meant a lot; I felt like it indicated that someone I respect as a person and as a professional thinks that I'm moving in the right direction with my life. I wasn't doing anything super-fancy back then, but I was passionate.

He was some kind of a role model for me back then. The "I wanna be like this guy" way. Things have changed since then; I don't look up to people anymore the same way I used to; I have become "my own thing". However, I still love, respect, and appreciate him; that hasn't changed, and I hope it never will.

I recall a particularly impactful conversation with N. one day. We were chatting about various topics when he shared something of a personal nature. I didn't respond because I felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. N. pointed out that my silence wasn't the best way to communicate, a critique that initially stung but ultimately proved to be a valuable lesson. It was a pivotal moment that significantly improved my communication skills. And I'm happy he was direct about this. Nowadays, I'm pro-directness. Always.

There's so much more I could say about N., but I'll reserve those stories for another day. What's important is that I'm deeply grateful for his presence in my life.

Peace <3

To my good friend V.

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Alternative title: Prioritizing alone time

I have always struggled with maintaining friendships for extended periods of time. While I don't completely understand the reasons for this behavior, I believe it's primarily due to how I have always approached relationships. I firmly believe in not needing someone else for my happiness. Looking back, most of the best things that began in my life occurred during periods when I was almost lonely, but in a positive way. As an introvert, I truly cherish and appreciate certain people, and after years of failing to sustain relationships, I think I have finally figured out the right approach for me. My solution lies in being as honest as possible with myself and acknowledging that this is how I function and exactly how I want to live. Moreover, I have a strong need for this lifestyle to foster creativity, which is an essential part of my fulfillment in life.

I have realized that it's okay to prioritize my personal needs and preferences, and I even believe it's the best approach for me. Once I stopped feeling guilty about prioritizing my alone time, everything seemed to fall into place. Obviously, not every aspect of my life has been resolved, but I have become quite determined in my philosophy regarding interpersonal relationships.

Now, I appreciate people more than ever. I love and respect many individuals for a variety of reasons, and I feel that I no longer have friends I don't genuinely want in my life. Each person I interact with is someone I truly value, and that feels great.

I have friends with whom I occasionally talk and try to help when necessary. Nowadays, I avoid forcing people to do stuff, even though it can sometimes feel odd when I have the urge to get what I want, even if it means doing the wrong thing. Regardless, I am a massive fan of these people and always wish the best for them. Even if we don't interact often, I am truly grateful they exist.

Connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, and try to appreciate them as well. Life is a heck of a weird thingy, and it's super cool to be a part of it.

Last but not least, kudos to A. for inspiring me to organize my thoughts around this topic and write this post (and, of course, for existing) <3

P.S. I understand that the title may not perfectly align with the theme, but that's what I felt like naming it :)

Peace <3

Have you ever had that moment of self-awareness when you realize you've been lying to yourself? It's a feeling that hits you like a gut punch, a sudden realization that you're living a lie in the current moment.

Everyone should be honest with themselves, and yet, sometimes, it's too hard. While I believe I'm doing a pretty good job at being honest with myself, I still find myself struggling at times. Whenever this realization comes to me, I think it's not necessarily what I want to do in that particular case.

This is one of the issues with the whole "awareness" thingy. The more aware I become, the more I realize that there are things that utterly suck, and there's little I can do to change that. All of this sounds like a fear of going into places that are hard to exit once you're in. Even though I think of my life as happy and fulfilling, sometimes this weird thing strikes so much that I lose all of my motivation to do anything. Hopefully, I will learn to deal with it better as I experience this state of mind more.

After all, emotional growth for me is about recognizing how my mind works when some shit happens and finding out how to deal with it that works best for me. The problem is it hurts. And it's not really enjoyable in any way :).

Alright, time for some more positive vibes :). Something I like about how I deal with "ideology wars inside my mind" is that everything becomes normal again soon-ish (sleep over it, right?). And I'm already familiar with many destructive patterns that I have gone through during my life. There's lots of room for improvement, though; I'd love to understand what makes me most driven to build stuff and incorporate that more.

Writing blog posts helps, BTW. While I used to recommend journaling as a way to process difficult experiences, I prefer the idea of creating content that can potentially resonate with and help others going through similar struggles. So I blog about stuff that's probably hard to make sense of. I'm trying to do a better job at communicating my thoughts and feelings with each new blog post, but the truth is, I don't fully understand myself either :).

So, if you're struggling with your own stuff, consider starting a blog or a journal. It may not be easy, but it could be a step towards greater self-awareness and a more fulfilling life.

Thanks for reading, and
Take care <3

Yesterday, a friend asked if I wanted to attend today’s drink and draw event. I kind of suck at drawing (I still do it, though), so I treat it as a social synchronization event because the people there are usually pleasant. I deleted the Instagram app, so kudos to H. for pinging me <3. 

A good friend of mine happened to be in the building as well, browsing the exhibition materials. There were lots of fantastic art-related books and comics, and I thoroughly enjoyed a few of them. It was great to see her.

I also encountered someone I know from my past "depressed party life." It was nice to see her too, but she told me they miss me in the social circle from which we know each other. It was a bit weird because I never really miss people. Whenever someone tells me they miss me, it becomes pretty awkward since I can't reciprocate the sentiment. I rarely miss people, and I don't particularly appreciate lying. I'm unsure why I feel this way, but I believe it's for the best. In my experience, whenever I start missing someone for more than a few moments, something is likely off in my life.

Upon reflection, the only person I genuinely miss from time to time is my grandfather, who passed away just before I returned from the Wikipedia camp. He was an incredible grandfather and an extraordinary individual; I deeply respect and love him. He was one of the best people I've ever known!

I’m now in a tea party my friend L organized for (finally!) opening his teahouse. Some people I didn’t expect to see are here too, and I’m glad they are. Before arriving, R and I shared a lovely lunch, discussing projects we wanted to work on together, crypto, and other life matters.

I genuinely appreciate many people I know, even if we rarely meet or talk. I am grateful for getting to know them.

I finally had some cherry pu-erh from L here! The best drink I have ever had; I’ve been drinking 4-5 cups of it a day during summer. 

In any case, drink some tea, cherish the people around you, enjoy life while it lasts, and stay curious.

Peace <3

Photos:

This may sound weird, but liking someone is not the same as loving them and vice versa. In my experience, liking someone is the will to have conversations with them, hang out, and do random stuff, idk. However, loving someone is more about caring, supporting, and other stuff.

If I love someone, I do not necessarily like them because it takes time to love someone. I can't say I love someone I have known for a week. I can like a person the first time I meet them, though. Also, you can love people for what they've done for you and be forever grateful to them. That doesn't make you want to spend a week with them, though.

That said, there are lots of people I like, and there are some people I love. And I was lucky enough to have people who I like and love. And I'm grateful to lots of people.

Peace and
Lovelovelove <3

As strange as it may sound, I do believe it. Although I don't yet know precisely how or why, I am certain that it is something that is deeply important to me. I'll either do it or die trying, I guess.

Peace :)

I finally met a good friend of mine ten days ago. He is an ex-coworker of mine. We were working together around two years ago. We never really worked together because we were always on different projects. Still, we went to the same office and had many interesting conversations on the office balcony. He is one of the reasons I went to work for that company in the first place. When I search for employment opportunities in a company, I research their employees and their activities outside work. If I encounter individuals with whom I share common interests or could potentially form friendships, I initiate discussions regarding progressing through the hiring process. While this may seem unnecessary for some, the team is essential to me since I believe it's the core of a good product and happy work time. 

He was dealing with some personal stuff some time ago, and I wanted to meet him to catch up, see if he's doing alright, and chat about stuff because he's one of my favorite conversation partners. 

So that day, I walked toward the center of Yerevan and remembered that he had an office on the way. I texted him to see if he was there, as he sometimes hangs out on Saturdays. He replied that he wasn't but suggested we met when he was available. We caught up a few hours later.

We went to a park near Cascade and spent some time there, talking about stuff. After that, we went to get some food. He nor I had any preferences, so we went to a fast food place nearby. After shortening our lives for a couple of seconds (or minutes, who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) by injecting junk food into our organisms, we went to a store to get something to drink. When we were at the cashier's desk, I noticed that they were selling a new collection of Clipper lighters!

I was thrilled to see that because I really love how Clipper designs their lighter collections. I bought five differently-styled lighters, and my friend asked me what I would do with that amount of lighters. I gift them to people I like :).

I was quite drunk the first time I gifted a lighter to someone. He found it funny and gave me his purple lighter back. This thingy progressed into my personality. Nowadays, if I happen to carry a collectible Clipper lighter when being around someone I like, I gift it to them. These aren't one-time-only gifts, though. A very good friend of mine lives in another city, and it became a tradition to give her my lighter whenever we meet :). I don't really remember how this became a regular thing; perhaps, because we don't meet frequently, I want to gift her the lighter whenever I get the chance.

This is a form of expressing love and telling people I'm glad they exist. It's weird for some. It's surprising for others. It's important for me. I guess this is a pretty sentimental behavior, but it's one of the sentimental things I don't mind doing.

Peace <3

I've been thinking about leaving Armenia a lot lately. Throughout the past few days, I had the feeling of not belonging. I've been looking at people's faces and feeling weird. I never wanted to interact with them, not even say hi. Yesterday was strange; I felt alone and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. That question remains unanswered, though. There is no single thing I can fully commit to. Nothing makes me thoroughly excited, and nothing makes me forget about everything else and focus on it. I understand that this is pretty natural. However, that's not what I expect from myself. I need to build things. I can't just enjoy life and chill forever; that's not what I believe. 

I was in Stepanakert a couple of years ago. We went to a store with a friend to get some goods. He asked me what I'd do if I were financially free. I said I'd still be doing the same thing (working on git-blame.nvim back then). He wanted to go to Hawaii, and Bali and party, enjoy life, or stuff like that. I wasn't interested in a lifestyle like that. I had a party period in my life too. It lasted about 3-5 months. I was socializing more than I wanted and drinking more than I wanted. I was feeling okay back then, though. Nowadays, I look back and think that I wasn't myself. 

I want to build software. That's what I love and enjoy the most. I want to develop software I think is important. I want to do it in a way that no one else does. I want to build stuff people will fall in love with. Most software doesn't have a soul nowadays, and I wouldn't say I like that...

Take care <3

I went to a gig today. My friends were playing. Some people were surprised to see me there because, parallel to this gig, a party was themed around a person I had loved for a long time. I realized I didn't care about him a couple of days ago. That was pretty strange, but that's life; you get unexcited about people. I bought a CD; its design is lovely:

I dislike aggression—any form of it. Several people were slamming very aggressively, which was awkward. All the slams I ever liked are the ones that spread love, not aggression.

I also finished rewatching Silicon Valley for the 5ith or 6th time. I love the series. It inspires me to do something good every time. I went to my brother's. He was asleep, but I woke him up because we had planned to meet.

We had a good time. We watched "Funky Monks" (the documentary about RHCP album "Blood Sugar Sex Magik", a few episodes of South Park, and listened to some great music.

I had thought about not belonging to Armenia for the whole day. I saw lots of faces that were very foreign to me. That was a strange feeling. However, when hanging out with my brother, I started considering getting a mortgage to buy a house and trying to close it relatively early. While a month ago, I was planning to move to the Netherlands. I am unsure what global/long-term stuff I want to do with my life. However, I know what I want to be focused on. And I'm doing well. And that's the main thing, I guess.

There are some people in my life who I value a lot. I think about these people at least once in a while. I don't communicate much with most of these people, I am unsure of the reasons now, but overall I'm fine with that. I feel good because they exist. There is a chance that you're one of these people I am talking about. Thanks for existing <3

I love technology. I don't talk about it often, but I love technology. I am delighted to be born in the internet era. I am grateful to everyone who made the web possible—special kudos to Aaron Swartz for fighting for freedom.

I am noticing lots of characteristics come back to me. I was thinking about working hard and smart. I wonder if I can drop the comfort I have created, at least for some time.

Start doing pushups?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(P. S. sorry for the perhaps unengaging writing style; a stream of consciousness. And I like Blackfield, the band; I think it's underrated)

Peace <3