tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:/posts fpersonal blog 2024-03-21T11:34:13Z tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/2097981 2024-03-21T11:34:12Z 2024-03-21T11:34:13Z Peter, Barbara, Beth & Friends

The artwork's photos were taken by Henrik's brother Mikael on a trip to Mount Etna, Italy. "The surreal colours and vastness of the otherworldly landscape really resonated with us," they explain. "Our writing is mostly instinctive, but notions of colour, texture and space are definitely our focus. We often wonder whether our music is for the club or for the living room, perhaps Mount Etna is the true answer.[laugh]"

Peter, Barbara, Beth & Friends by Blomfelt & Narby

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/2092133 2024-02-23T12:13:05Z 2024-02-23T12:20:04Z Reclaiming Urban Spaces: The Critical Link Between City Design and Lifestyle

It was a rainy, windy evening as I was walking through the streets of Rotterdam. Feeling chilled by the strong wind, I decided to run slowly instead of walking to raise my body temperature and better withstand the weather. In doing so, I realized how much I actually enjoyed it and wondered why I hadn't taken up casual running in a long time.

I think the reason is I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I used to in my hometown, and this is because of Yerevan's bad city design. While it's in a much better position than many other cities, it still is a city built with cars in mind instead of people.

Many firmly believe that owning a car is about freedom or independence. Some also strongly fight the idea that we should reduce the number of cars in cities. They propose fixing severe and counterproductive traffic jams by adding more car lanes, inadvertently incentivizing even more cars and thus worsening the congestion. Isn't that ironic?

I feel the opposite - a car is an extremely limiting transportation method with many laws telling you what you can and cannot do (you are also stuck in four walls and depend on oil or electricity, whereas a bike is self-sustained). The laws exist for an obvious reason: cars are hazardous, and they kill people; reduce the number of cars, and the number of deaths from car accidents will decrease (sometimes significantly). The Dutch figured this out some time ago and have been diligently working to reverse the damage caused by designing cities under the assumption that everyone must own a car.

It also finally clicked: I now knew why many people could theoretically find a treadmill more attractive than running outside. I never really thought treadmill made sense and never understood why people like them. Turns out, part of it is being born in a city that incentivizes running by being chill, well-integrated with the nature, and overall great to live in. The reason could be the same as why I didn't run in Yerevan - cities that do not incentivize casual running. The lack of safe, accessible routes for running (narrow streets are great!) and the absence of "integrated" nature doesn't really help here.

Just as detrimental environments foster bad habits, poor city design promotes unhealthy lifestyles. Since I now live in a city with good design, built with people in mind, it just feels right to start casually running again; it will be an enjoyable activity that will benefit both my creativity & reflection and health greatly.

I reached out about this to P., who runs regularly and participates in marathons and expressed my interest in joining him for a run if he didn't mind since I enjoyed runs with friends & intellectually stimulating companions. I'm looking forward to the possibility of joining him next week!

These were my thoughts about how cities affect your lifestyle for today. They change you. It takes a while for the lifestyle changes to occur. It didn't take Yerevan too long to do it and essentially kill a lot of good habits I had from my hometown. However, I'm happy to share that it seems the Netherlands is swiftly acting to undo the damage, reverse the course, and reintroduce the positive lifestyle aspects I once enjoyed, much like they did with the bikes.

Doei <3

Final edit done while listening to Dogs on Prozac by Yaleesa Hall from Amsterdam :)

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/2064036 2023-12-18T14:01:30Z 2023-12-25T02:56:11Z Trying to deal with wanting to do too many things

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. My fluctuating interests, often intense, are one of the many reasons for my absence. I was into so many things at different points in life that sometimes I think I don't even know what I'm into anymore :). The total time of being interested in stuff varies. Photography, for instance, once held my attention the longest in both its digital (earlier in life) and film (most interested) forms. However, I've since moved away from this hobby, finding that my passion for it has faded. I just don't care about taking or looking at photos anymore. It's just a thing that some people enjoy, but I'm not one of them anymore.

Apart from that, I started working at Breeze a couple of months ago, which has been my only creative focus since then. The company & the product are great so far; hopefully, I'll write something about it at some point. I plan to return to my other creative activities eventually, but I need to maximize my outputs for Breeze first to work on my stuff guilt-free.

The full unlocking of maximizing outputs will happen pretty soon since I'm already progressing in figuring out the best way to work with this team, product & code base. Moving to the Netherlands (I'm moving in less than a month; I'll write about this, too) will also positively impact my goal. At this point, I miss offices, and I think they are great, but there are no Armenian companies/products I really want to work for. 

Apart from work, my subconscious thoughts mainly go into my apps, live-coding music, and reflection (on myself & life). However, I was having an evening walk with A yesterday, and we talked about a lot of stuff; we had a great time. A topic that came up was my plan & desire to write a fiction book about (the idea of) software. This came back to me today. I realized I wanted to start working on it once I managed to have spare time. So, cool, that's one more thing to really want to be doing while not really being able to.
It's a familiar dance, isn't it? :)

At this point, I should probably spend a weekend building my "what project to work on" prioritization tool that I've been thinking about. It could, perhaps, help.

My passion & fascination with software, however, beyond just the engineering aspect, has been a consistent thread in my life, never dimming for more than a few months at a stretch, so I figured I might as well dedicate my life to it. I'm pretty determined in that sense, and it helps me enjoy life & know where I want to go in the near future.

Anyways, thanks for reading this, and
Peace <3
tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/2022166 2023-09-08T04:07:23Z 2023-09-13T22:08:46Z Modern and Contemporary Operating Systems

I started waking up really early. I was enjoying my morning coffee, while injecting nicotine and listening to birds' sounds, when suddenly the thought came to me: "contemporary programming... [something I don't remember anymore]". And that was quite interesting because most of what we do isn't really modern nowadays.

This is what N told us about operating systems in the "Computer Organization" class. The operating systems we usually refer to as "modern", in fact, aren't modern; they are contemporary. They aren't innovative; they're just new.

I know this because, during the summer, I asked N if I could attend his lectures at a university without enrolling/becoming a student. After some chats with university employees, I found the way to the people who helped me settle this question and granted me the right to attend the classes as an auditor.

I have attended four lectures so far and am enjoying my time. I also took his "Compiler Design" class, and it's really fun! I think I'm enjoying it even more than computer organization. I suggested N we build a BrainFuck compiler sometime during the class and dedicate some time to esoteric programming languages.

I keep meeting folks I know at college, which is pleasantly weird. I also like the vibes sometimes; I'm not entirely sure what's happening. I even considered enrolling at one point but quickly dropped the idea.

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/2015182 2023-08-23T00:16:22Z 2023-08-23T00:16:23Z It's Amazing How Our Bodies Function

I was meditating for a few minutes. I thought about some stuff. I thought about the idea of potential. I thought about my "Notespaces" project and what would happen if it failed. I thought about my dreams, my motivation, my determination.

I dropped a tear. Then another one. I cried weirdly and couldn't make anything of it until I reached for a napkin with my hand to clean the tears. I was amazed! My hand is taking care of me; my hand is helping me; it's got good intentions! It wasn't sad; it wasn't anything; it just did what was right for me at the moment.

I'm still amazed at this! So weird, so beautiful!

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1977323 2023-05-17T21:41:28Z 2023-05-17T21:42:33Z A "Thank You Letter" to N.

Every year, or perhaps even more frequently, I find myself composing a thank-you message to a dear friend N. Sometimes, the gratitude is tied to a specific event or shared experience; other times, it's a simple, encompassing "thanks for existing". Initially, these messages felt a little odd to write, a departure from my usual mode of expression. But as the years passed, I've grown comfortable with these spontaneous outpourings of gratitude. I've come to understand that expressing appreciation is important—not just for me, but for those who have touched my life in significant ways. They deserve to know and hear they're valued.

This post is dedicated to my friend N., who has profoundly influenced who I am today. I'm not suggesting that my life would be unbearable without our friendship—life, after all, is a series of ifs and maybes. Yet, I am content with who I am, and I attribute a large part of that to the experiences and people that have shaped me, N. being a pivotal one. This isn't about predestination or fate; it's about the choices we make and the relationships we cultivate.

Our first in-person encounter happened at BarCamp in 2019. It was an important event for me back then; I came to Yerevan for about 3-4 days to attend the conference and finally meet my internet friends for the first time. My friend K. introduced us to each other; it was a weird handshake; I hated handshakes back then; he said he used to feel the same but had grown to appreciate this formal greeting. Although I now prefer hugs, I've come to accept handshakes as a part of social interaction.

I was sitting with K. in a park next to the university where the conference was taking place in. She showed me a message from N. saying something like, "I'm looking at fperson's GitHub at the moment; this boy is [something nice]". It was great to hear that. And his message meant a lot; I felt like it indicated that someone I respect as a person and as a professional thinks that I'm moving in the right direction with my life. I wasn't doing anything super-fancy back then, but I was passionate.

He was some kind of a role model for me back then. The "I wanna be like this guy" way. Things have changed since then; I don't look up to people anymore the same way I used to; I have become "my own thing". However, I still love, respect, and appreciate him; that hasn't changed, and I hope it never will.

I recall a particularly impactful conversation with N. one day. We were chatting about various topics when he shared something of a personal nature. I didn't respond because I felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. N. pointed out that my silence wasn't the best way to communicate, a critique that initially stung but ultimately proved to be a valuable lesson. It was a pivotal moment that significantly improved my communication skills. And I'm happy he was direct about this. Nowadays, I'm pro-directness. Always.

There's so much more I could say about N., but I'll reserve those stories for another day. What's important is that I'm deeply grateful for his presence in my life.

Peace <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1975878 2023-05-14T02:06:26Z 2023-05-26T16:27:07Z All you need is determination

To my good friend V.

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1972612 2023-05-04T23:53:42Z 2023-12-25T03:05:45Z How to keep faith in humanity

Alternative title: Prioritizing alone time

I have always struggled with maintaining friendships for extended periods of time. While I don't completely understand the reasons for this behavior, I believe it's primarily due to how I have always approached relationships. I firmly believe in not needing someone else for my happiness. Looking back, most of the best things that began in my life occurred during periods when I was almost lonely, but in a positive way. As an introvert, I truly cherish and appreciate certain people, and after years of failing to sustain relationships, I think I have finally figured out the right approach for me. My solution lies in being as honest as possible with myself and acknowledging that this is how I function and exactly how I want to live. Moreover, I have a strong need for this lifestyle to foster creativity, which is an essential part of my fulfillment in life.

I have realized that it's okay to prioritize my personal needs and preferences, and I even believe it's the best approach for me. Once I stopped feeling guilty about prioritizing my alone time, everything seemed to fall into place. Obviously, not every aspect of my life has been resolved, but I have become quite determined in my philosophy regarding interpersonal relationships.

Now, I appreciate people more than ever. I love and respect many individuals for a variety of reasons, and I feel that I no longer have friends I don't genuinely want in my life. Each person I interact with is someone I truly value, and that feels great.

I have friends with whom I occasionally talk and try to help when necessary. Nowadays, I avoid forcing people to do stuff, even though it can sometimes feel odd when I have the urge to get what I want, even if it means doing the wrong thing. Regardless, I am a massive fan of these people and always wish the best for them. Even if we don't interact often, I am truly grateful they exist.

Connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, and try to appreciate them as well. Life is a heck of a weird thingy, and it's super cool to be a part of it.

Last but not least, kudos to A. for inspiring me to organize my thoughts around this topic and write this post (and, of course, for existing) <3

P.S. I understand that the title may not perfectly align with the theme, but that's what I felt like naming it :)

Peace <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1967536 2023-04-18T22:36:05Z 2023-12-25T03:09:00Z The Struggle to Be Honest with Yourself

Have you ever had that moment of self-awareness when you realize you've been lying to yourself? It's a feeling that hits you like a gut punch, a sudden realization that you're living a lie in the current moment.

Everyone should be honest with themselves, and yet, sometimes, it's too hard. While I believe I'm doing a pretty good job at being honest with myself, I still find myself struggling at times. Whenever this realization comes to me, I think it's not necessarily what I want to do in that particular case.

This is one of the issues with the whole "awareness" thingy. The more aware I become, the more I realize that there are things that utterly suck, and there's little I can do to change that. All of this sounds like a fear of going into places that are hard to exit once you're in. Even though I think of my life as happy and fulfilling, sometimes this weird thing strikes so much that I lose all of my motivation to do anything. Hopefully, I will learn to deal with it better as I experience this state of mind more.

After all, emotional growth for me is about recognizing how my mind works when some shit happens and finding out how to deal with it that works best for me. The problem is it hurts. And it's not really enjoyable in any way :).

Alright, time for some more positive vibes :). Something I like about how I deal with "ideology wars inside my mind" is that everything becomes normal again soon-ish (sleep over it, right?). And I'm already familiar with many destructive patterns that I have gone through during my life. There's lots of room for improvement, though; I'd love to understand what makes me most driven to build stuff and incorporate that more.

Writing blog posts helps, BTW. While I used to recommend journaling as a way to process difficult experiences, I prefer the idea of creating content that can potentially resonate with and help others going through similar struggles. So I blog about stuff that's probably hard to make sense of. I'm trying to do a better job at communicating my thoughts and feelings with each new blog post, but the truth is, I don't fully understand myself either :).

So, if you're struggling with your own stuff, consider starting a blog or a journal. It may not be easy, but it could be a step towards greater self-awareness and a more fulfilling life.

Thanks for reading, and
Take care <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1963110 2023-04-08T17:12:06Z 2023-12-25T03:11:55Z Thoughts on Missing People, Cherishing Friendships and Tea

Yesterday, a friend asked if I wanted to attend today’s drink and draw event. I kind of suck at drawing (I still do it, though), so I treat it as a social synchronization event because the people there are usually pleasant. I deleted the Instagram app, so kudos to H. for pinging me <3. 

A good friend of mine happened to be in the building as well, browsing the exhibition materials. There were lots of fantastic art-related books and comics, and I thoroughly enjoyed a few of them. It was great to see her.

I also encountered someone I know from my past "depressed party life." It was nice to see her too, but she told me they miss me in the social circle from which we know each other. It was a bit weird because I never really miss people. Whenever someone tells me they miss me, it becomes pretty awkward since I can't reciprocate the sentiment. I rarely miss people, and I don't particularly appreciate lying. I'm unsure why I feel this way, but I believe it's for the best. In my experience, whenever I start missing someone for more than a few moments, something is likely off in my life.

Upon reflection, the only person I genuinely miss from time to time is my grandfather, who passed away just before I returned from the Wikipedia camp. He was an incredible grandfather and an extraordinary individual; I deeply respect and love him. He was one of the best people I've ever known!

I’m now in a tea party my friend L organized for (finally!) opening his teahouse. Some people I didn’t expect to see are here too, and I’m glad they are. Before arriving, R and I shared a lovely lunch, discussing projects we wanted to work on together, crypto, and other life matters.

I genuinely appreciate many people I know, even if we rarely meet or talk. I am grateful for getting to know them.

I finally had some cherry pu-erh from L here! The best drink I have ever had; I’ve been drinking 4-5 cups of it a day during summer. 

In any case, drink some tea, cherish the people around you, enjoy life while it lasts, and stay curious.

Peace <3


tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1959370 2023-03-30T17:22:58Z 2023-04-26T18:55:55Z There's a difference between liking and loving someone

This may sound weird, but liking someone is not the same as loving them and vice versa. In my experience, liking someone is the will to have conversations with them, hang out, and do random stuff, idk. However, loving someone is more about caring, supporting, and other stuff.

If I love someone, I do not necessarily like them because it takes time to love someone. I can't say I love someone I have known for a week. I can like a person the first time I meet them, though. Also, you can love people for what they've done for you and be forever grateful to them. That doesn't make you want to spend a week with them, though.

That said, there are lots of people I like, and there are some people I love. And I was lucky enough to have people who I like and love. And I'm grateful to lots of people.

Peace and
Lovelovelove <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1959107 2023-03-29T16:59:05Z 2023-04-03T14:38:02Z I geniunely believe I'm capable of changing the world

As strange as it may sound, I do believe it. Although I don't yet know precisely how or why, I am certain that it is something that is deeply important to me. I'll either do it or die trying, I guess.

Peace :)

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1951918 2023-03-22T15:13:13Z 2023-03-22T15:14:02Z I often gift my lighters to people I like

I finally met a good friend of mine ten days ago. He is an ex-coworker of mine. We were working together around two years ago. We never really worked together because we were always on different projects. Still, we went to the same office and had many interesting conversations on the office balcony. He is one of the reasons I went to work for that company in the first place. When I search for employment opportunities in a company, I research their employees and their activities outside work. If I encounter individuals with whom I share common interests or could potentially form friendships, I initiate discussions regarding progressing through the hiring process. While this may seem unnecessary for some, the team is essential to me since I believe it's the core of a good product and happy work time. 

He was dealing with some personal stuff some time ago, and I wanted to meet him to catch up, see if he's doing alright, and chat about stuff because he's one of my favorite conversation partners. 

So that day, I walked toward the center of Yerevan and remembered that he had an office on the way. I texted him to see if he was there, as he sometimes hangs out on Saturdays. He replied that he wasn't but suggested we met when he was available. We caught up a few hours later.

We went to a park near Cascade and spent some time there, talking about stuff. After that, we went to get some food. He nor I had any preferences, so we went to a fast food place nearby. After shortening our lives for a couple of seconds (or minutes, who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) by injecting junk food into our organisms, we went to a store to get something to drink. When we were at the cashier's desk, I noticed that they were selling a new collection of Clipper lighters!

I was thrilled to see that because I really love how Clipper designs their lighter collections. I bought five differently-styled lighters, and my friend asked me what I would do with that amount of lighters. I gift them to people I like :).

I was quite drunk the first time I gifted a lighter to someone. He found it funny and gave me his purple lighter back. This thingy progressed into my personality. Nowadays, if I happen to carry a collectible Clipper lighter when being around someone I like, I gift it to them. These aren't one-time-only gifts, though. A very good friend of mine lives in another city, and it became a tradition to give her my lighter whenever we meet :). I don't really remember how this became a regular thing; perhaps, because we don't meet frequently, I want to gift her the lighter whenever I get the chance.

This is a form of expressing love and telling people I'm glad they exist. It's weird for some. It's surprising for others. It's important for me. I guess this is a pretty sentimental behavior, but it's one of the sentimental things I don't mind doing.

Peace <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1949104 2023-03-05T15:06:42Z 2023-03-22T14:29:30Z Life Is Strange

I've been thinking about leaving Armenia a lot lately. Throughout the past few days, I had the feeling of not belonging. I've been looking at people's faces and feeling weird. I never wanted to interact with them, not even say hi. Yesterday was strange; I felt alone and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. That question remains unanswered, though. There is no single thing I can fully commit to. Nothing makes me thoroughly excited, and nothing makes me forget about everything else and focus on it. I understand that this is pretty natural. However, that's not what I expect from myself. I need to build things. I can't just enjoy life and chill forever; that's not what I believe. 

I was in Stepanakert a couple of years ago. We went to a store with a friend to get some goods. He asked me what I'd do if I were financially free. I said I'd still be doing the same thing (working on git-blame.nvim back then). He wanted to go to Hawaii, and Bali and party, enjoy life, or stuff like that. I wasn't interested in a lifestyle like that. I had a party period in my life too. It lasted about 3-5 months. I was socializing more than I wanted and drinking more than I wanted. I was feeling okay back then, though. Nowadays, I look back and think that I wasn't myself. 

I want to build software. That's what I love and enjoy the most. I want to develop software I think is important. I want to do it in a way that no one else does. I want to build stuff people will fall in love with. Most software doesn't have a soul nowadays, and I wouldn't say I like that...

Take care <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1945682 2023-02-26T01:03:45Z 2023-03-22T00:48:04Z I went to a gig today

I went to a gig today. My friends were playing. Some people were surprised to see me there because, parallel to this gig, a party was themed around a person I had loved for a long time. I realized I didn't care about him a couple of days ago. That was pretty strange, but that's life; you get unexcited about people. I bought a CD; its design is lovely:

I dislike aggression—any form of it. Several people were slamming very aggressively, which was awkward. All the slams I ever liked are the ones that spread love, not aggression.

I also finished rewatching Silicon Valley for the 5ith or 6th time. I love the series. It inspires me to do something good every time. I went to my brother's. He was asleep, but I woke him up because we had planned to meet.

We had a good time. We watched "Funky Monks" (the documentary about RHCP album "Blood Sugar Sex Magik", a few episodes of South Park, and listened to some great music.

I had thought about not belonging to Armenia for the whole day. I saw lots of faces that were very foreign to me. That was a strange feeling. However, when hanging out with my brother, I started considering getting a mortgage to buy a house and trying to close it relatively early. While a month ago, I was planning to move to the Netherlands. I am unsure what global/long-term stuff I want to do with my life. However, I know what I want to be focused on. And I'm doing well. And that's the main thing, I guess.

There are some people in my life who I value a lot. I think about these people at least once in a while. I don't communicate much with most of these people, I am unsure of the reasons now, but overall I'm fine with that. I feel good because they exist. There is a chance that you're one of these people I am talking about. Thanks for existing <3

I love technology. I don't talk about it often, but I love technology. I am delighted to be born in the internet era. I am grateful to everyone who made the web possible—special kudos to Aaron Swartz for fighting for freedom.

I am noticing lots of characteristics come back to me. I was thinking about working hard and smart. I wonder if I can drop the comfort I have created, at least for some time.

Start doing pushups?


(P. S. sorry for the perhaps unengaging writing style; a stream of consciousness. And I like Blackfield, the band; I think it's underrated)

Peace <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1942725 2023-02-18T23:57:53Z 2023-03-22T00:30:44Z Assumptions, expectations and frustration

There was a time in my life when I was into stoicism very much. Even though I wasn't being stoic most of the time, the ideas of stoicism inspired me and made me think a lot. I was so into stoicism that I even got an "Amor Fati" tattoo:

I lived with a friend of mine for a couple of months, and we discussed philosophy a lot. We enjoyed thinking about stuff together. One of the ideas we both agreed on is that assumptions are destructive. There are a couple of reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are mostly incorrect. Whenever you make an assumption, you're very likely to fail. I think that expectations are a form of assumption. You assume that something you expect will happen, and then it doesn't. And you're frustrated, and it makes you sad. When thinking about what makes people unhappy, I realized that most of the time, it's unexpected stuff. Losing an item that you value a lot is surprising. Losing a connection with someone who means a lot to you is also often unpredictable. Finding out you have cancer is fucking shocking. The list goes on. 

Sometimes, these unexpected things aren't something terrible. Sometimes, you want something and don't get it. Or you plan something, and it doesn't happen. Very often, it's caused by things you don't control. That's what makes them so unexpected. So what can we do with that? Not that much, actually. Stoicism offers a way of overcoming such unexpected issues. According to it, you just deal with it and try to learn something when possible. However, often it can be pretty hard emotionally. It's hard to be okay with betrayals or the death of people you have loved for some time. It's okay to feel bad and cry, but what you do after that matters a lot. Do you make your conclusions and move on, or do you just continue being upset and sad about something? The choice is yours. I'm trying to move on as soon as possible because, otherwise, life will feel like hell. It's not always easy, but it's always the right thing to do, in my opinion. And something good for your mental health and life in general. 

Obviously, I didn't stop making assumptions or expecting stuff I wanted to happen. I don't think I'll ever be able to. However, I can rely on assumptions less, avoid being upset about failed expectations, and chill.

Thanks for reading, and
Peace <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1940872 2023-02-14T00:34:01Z 2023-02-14T09:12:41Z What if an Atomic Bomb is coming my way while I'm smoking on the balcony?

That's what I sometimes think when smoking on the balcony at night, seeing how the wind softly makes trees shake, making strange sounds while going through holes (what is a hole?), making me think it's an airplane while I'm not noticing any airplanes in the sky. Will I continue standing still and injecting more nicotine into my body, thinking about how it will increase my chance of getting lung cancer and dying without making all the stuff I wanted possible? Maybe. Or will I? I don't know. It's one of these questions where your actions may differ significantly from what you think you would do. So does it even make sense to think about it? Oh no, just like anything else. Is this next-level self-awareness or a warning from my conscious mind that my nicotine addiction is terrible as fuck for me? Perhaps.

I once had a dream where planets were falling apart, colliding with Earth, making beautiful visual explosions. And I was still alive, still looking around, noticing how Moon softly fell into pieces, how the light was disappearing, and the world was turning dark. But I'm still alive. Why? Because I was in a dream, I guess. But life is not a dream. Or is it? Well, that's probably not something we will ever find out. At least not in our lifetime. But does it matter? Not really. I'm still alive, for whatever reason. I still enjoy life, I still find nature beautiful, I still find humanity and the progress it made terrific, and I still feel, experience, make, and love stuff. So yeah, I'm glad that I'm alive. And I'm so happy I'm writing this piece of text you're reading right now that probably doesn't make sense, but for whatever reason, you made it this far. And I'm happy to have you in my life, even if I don't know you, even if you hate me. Even if you're a robot, scraping this text for whatever reasons. I'm happy. 

Happiness is strange. It's not something I experienced that much. Finding out I was happy at certain times was always, in retrospect, rarely immediately. And it was probably caused by my hating what I was doing at that time with my life. Overall, I'm happy I experienced what I did. I'm delighted I was born where I was. I'm glad I had the parents that I had. I'm glad for the people who surrounded me for doing that. And now I'm here, enjoying the sound of my keyboard while typing this post before I go out and fill my body with some more nicotine. Please don't start consuming nicotine; it sucks.

And as always,
Peace <3

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1940201 2023-02-12T19:30:11Z 2023-02-14T09:20:36Z Is intimacy what makes romantic love special?

Some people discussing the idea of relationships, attraction, and love with me should've noticed that I was mostly negative about relationships. While I'm not saying that everyone should break up right now and there aren't couples that fit together very well, most relationships that the people surrounding me and I had were just bad and weren't going to last. I'm an asexual, so if you take away sex, then the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship becomes even stranger. There are several problems with "classical" relationships. First of all, the over-obsession. When people fall in love, they usually think of their love subject as someone very special and meant for them. They even sometimes think that the person they like is perfect. All these thoughts that will probably change in the future come at the cost of disappointment in people (and maybe in life 😉). After some time, you realize that you don't even have much to discuss because you're different and should've never been together in the first place. Or you get friendzoned and don't understand anything, even if it may be good for you. FYI, Vsauce has an awesome video on the "friend zone". I dislike the obligation to communicate regularly with people in relationships. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to anyone while being perfectly fine, seeking some alone time. It's worth noting that this obligation is present in non-romantic relationships too. However, it's easier to get back to a friendship after not seeing and talking to each other for a couple of months than a romantic relationship.

So why bother? One might ask. Well, I didn't have the answer to that question. I literally couldn't understand why I would ever want to be in a relationship with someone. Seeking relationships for the sake of it is pretty unhealthy, in my opinion. As far as my experience goes, this behavior often comes with insecurities and feelings of loneliness (not including people who are "alone" but pretty happy). So, if you see someone chasing a relationship, try to understand why they do that. The answers may seem obvious, yet eye-opening :). After this internal conflict of not seeing the benefits, I started getting closer to aromanticism. I was even considering myself an aromatic person for some time. I never really stopped finding some people attractive, but I had no desire to build relationships with anyone and just wanted to be happy alone (at least for that time). I still wanted to have kids and a family (that will hopefully eventually happen), so I was pretty sure that my views on this whole thing would change someday. And that happened today. It's not like I think everyone should be in a romantic relationship now. No. People with personal issues need to fix their stuff before letting someone be a significant part of their life (remember Unintended by Muse?). So what's the deal? 

I was enjoying my evening while my mind was wandering. I realized why relationships could be a good thing. The answer is intimacy. It's something we all need, but not everyone has it. Intimacy is a good thing. I didn't give my thoughts enough time to develop to understand why I think it's important, but I feel it is. Okay, but can't you reach the intimacy you want with your friends? Perhaps you can. Maybe not to the level you can with romantic relationships, but still doable. I think it just feels different. Can you form romantic relationships that will last without changing to a level where you hate yourself and realize you just spent several years of your life to please someone you don't care about anymore? Perhaps. But it's hard. It requires people with certain qualities. Will I get the intimacy I'm talking about someday? Maybe. I don't know. I've been very happy the past couple of months, and I want it to continue this way and eventually become the norm. No more mindfucking.

tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1940128 2023-02-12T14:49:34Z 2023-02-14T09:16:27Z A Love Letter to Josh Klinghoffer
The first time I listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers was somewhere in 2019. It was a song from their last album with Josh called "The Getaway". I was hanging out in the office with my CEO, discussing the idea of beauty and showing each other stuff we find beautiful. He showed me "Dark Necessities". He wasn't a huge RHCP (or rock music in general) fan, but he found the song beautiful because it was made by people who knew what they were doing and were good at it. After a couple of weeks, I remembered and listened to this song. That day had a massive influence on my future music taste. I loved RHCP! I couldn't listen to anything but their songs and jams for a couple of months; I enjoyed their music each time. Several years later, I still love the band and its music. I'm forever grateful to everyone who contributed to RHCP. After enjoying their music, I started digging deeper into their history as a band. And... I found out that Josh is no longer in the band. He was "kicked off" about the time I started listening to RHCP. 

It was sad to find out that Josh was replaced by John (who replaced John earlier). Even though I'm a big John Frusciante fan, and he's still my favorite musician, I wish he and Josh to start hanging out again because one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever listened to is them jamming together:

It sucked that two of my favorite musicians who were friends and were making music together no longer even talked to each other. However, this meant that Josh needed to work on something new. In 2019, he released an album called "To Be One With You" from his new solo project "Pluralone". It was pretty good but not something I kept returning to many times. After that, he released an album called "I Don't Feel Well" and... It's just perfect. I didn't manage to dive into it before, but a couple of days ago, I decided that it was time for me to listen to some of Josh's music finally. The album was great. I sent a message to about 10 people from my contacts containing a single YouTube link to "The Night Won't Scare Me":

It's perhaps my favorite song from the album. However, I love the whole album, and every single song has my like on Spotify:

When listening to this album, I felt almost the same way I did when listening to American Football's "American Football" for the first time. And I love that album! They aren't my favorite midwest-emo band, but that's for another blog post. 

Anyway, one of the people I sent the song to was my friend Yevgeny, a Dot Hacker fan. Josh sings and plays guitar and keyboards there. I didn't dig that deep into "Dot Hacker", but I already listened to one of their albums, "Inhibition", which is an awesome album! Besides the genius music, Josh seems like a very good guy if you listen to some podcasts/interviews with him. 

In conclusion, I love Josh and think he's a genius. His music is very peaceful. The Getaway is an amazing album. Pluralone is great. I'll listen to more of his stuff in the future and maybe write another blog post about him. 

Some links:

Peace <3
tag:blog.fperson.dev,2013:Post/1939978 2023-02-12T01:35:31Z 2023-12-25T03:04:13Z Welcome || Why Did I Start A Blog
Hello and Welcome! I'm fperson, and I'm glad you stumbled upon this page. I'll use this tiny piece of the vast worldwide web to tell a little about who I am and why I decided to start a blog.

🛸 > whoami

I'm Arshak, mostly known on the internet as fperson. I am a 19 y.o. software developer with a passion for technology and music. I also write lyrics and sing in a punk band. I was born in Stepanakert, Artsakh, where I developed my love for technology, tried to start a startup, created my first open-source plugin, wrote a strange piece of music, and enjoyed life! I'm now living in Yerevan, Armenia (Ping me at fperson[at]protonmail[dot]com if you want to meet up!). I mostly do Flutter development these days, but I did lots of other stuff in the past. If you want to check out the open-source part of what I do, visit my GitHub. Several months ago, I started writing many lyrics and shortly realized that I wanted to listen to these songs, after which I immediately texted my brother. We formed a band called "Lazercatz". We can't identify ourselves by genres, but people say we have punk & grunge spirit (while we are also highly influenced by John Frusciante and RHCP). Only one single is released at the moment of writing since we're working on an album that's not fully finished yet (spoiler: it's called "The Hole")!

🌟 Why I Started This Blog

Personal blogs have always appealed to me since they mean you have space to write whatever you want, and no big corporations will control you. I have many friends and people I have some connection with who have been blogging for ages. However, I never managed to start a blog because it requires time and energy that I didn't have all this time. However, now I'm pretty happy with my life, so here we are!